 |
||
L’étranger
Victor A. GRAUER - Aliens among us
ACT ONE Scene 1
Three men and one woman, seated around a large rectangular table. At the
head of the table is El Presidente , pounding on a gavel. El Presidente Stops pounding. Lays down gavel. The Surgeon General has determined that there are aliens among us. Apparently they landed somewhere in the Steppes of Central Asia in a space ship. And managed to infiltrate the USA disguised as undercover CIA agents. We’re not sure where they’re from — perhaps somewhere in the vicinity of Beta Cygni. It’s funny, but they look exactly like the aliens we’re all used to seeing in all these flying saucer movies, kind of short and frail, very thin, with big heads, large watery eyes, distended bellies. It’s believed, however, that they can transform themselves into any shape they choose and we are receiving reports from the FBI that many of them have been able to blend in with the general population. Agent Mauve A woman in her mid twenties, in long, mauve colored, Veronica Lake style hair. Sir, with all due respect, what we’re hearing from our many sources is that they don’t really transform themselves. On the contrary, they seem to be situated within a delicately nuanced subjectivity of the sort which enables them to project, more or less at will, in the mind of the observer, an imaginary of the most exquisite plasticity. Mr. Secretary Normal looking male of around 50. In other words, they can hypnotize us into seeing whatever they want us to see. Agent Mauve Though, indeed, some have suggested that what we see when we look at them is in fact simply a projection of our own desires, fantasies and, very possibly, guilt feelings. A la Freud — with an unhealthy dose of Lacan. El Presidente Whatever. They are a menace, out to destroy us. We just gotta track ’em down and stamp ’em out. Mr. Assistant to the Secretary But Sir, there is one very serious issue that must be addressed before we continue. All their supplies were destroyed when their space ship crashed. They are starving. Unless we act at once to provide them with appropriate nutrition, all will be dead within a few months. El Presidente I see I see. Well, that adds another wrinkle, certainly does, no question. We can’t let ’em starve. Can we distribute those funny little packets, you know, those containers developed for the army, resembling unexploded cluster bombs, with nutritious vegetarian snacks and plastic tubes of peanut butter and jelly ? Can’t we just fly over their territory and drop those packets on them ? Mr. Secretary They won’t eat that stuff. Nobody will. Agent Mauve Actually, Sir, there is only one kind of foodstuff they really crave : human flesh. However, when absolutely desperate, they will consent to eat rice and other grains. Some will actually consume peanut butter and jelly it’s true — but they won’t enjoy it. El Presidente Well what the Hell do I care whether they enjoy it or not ? Get real, lady ! They’re out to destroy us. It’s peanut butter and jelly or nothing. Agent Mauve Of course, Sir. El Presidente Now to this matter of hitting them where they live. We badly need intelligence on their exact whereabouts, capabilities, weaknesses, etc. Anyone got a report on the progress of this spy, this “Agent Orange” ? Agent Mauve The true identify of Agent Orange, as you know, is a complete mystery
Mr. Assistant to the Secretary Sort of a cross between the Six Million Dollar Man, Obewan Kanobe and the Golem. And he has a mind of his own. Last year he completely dropped out of sight for some time. Agent Mauve To recharge his batteries, Sir. Or so I’ve been told. He claimed, also, that he needed time to think. And meditate. He’s had special training, Sir, in highly advanced Yogic practices. And he’s been genetically altered. Quite an impressive human being, actually. El Presidente I’d be more impressed if I knew where he was. And what he’s up to. Mr. Assistant to the Secretary Well, we have been able to re-establish contact in the last few weeks, Sir. And he’s been fully briefed on the current crisis. Our satellite tracking system tells us that right now he’s somewhere in or around the heart of alien territory, in the vicinity of Kabul.
Fadeout.
Scene 2
Falling leaves of various autumn colors, yellow, red, brown . . . The Steppes of Central Asia. The Voice of Agent Orange From loudspeaker : Five years ago I signed up for a crash course at the Center for Hearts and Minds . It’s amazing what a few years of their training will do. Agent Orange emerges from stage left. He has orange hair sticking straight up, punk style. An alien emerges from stage right. Alien Drawing a huge knife and pointing it at Agent Orange. What you do in our sector, American ? There is much danger for you here. I think I cut your heart out, just for kicks. Agent Orange Sorry, I will not permit you to harm yourself, I forbid you to cut your own throat with that knife. Alien Raises the knife to his own throat and begins struggling with himself, one hand against the other. Zounds. What is happening to me ? I cannot control my right hand, I have some urge to slit my own throat. Agent Orange Fear not, I will not allow you to harm yourself. I am your friend. He takes the knife and places it in his belt.
Alien Suit yourself, stranger. I will not thank you for this. Never !!! Runs back behind curtain at stage right. [pause] Runs back. Pardonnez moi, but you don’t happen to have some Grey Poupon ? Agent Orange places his tongue in his cheek, and slowly shakes his head. The alien once again runs backstage and once again, after a pause, runs back. Actually, I gotta admit, I have just a wee bit hunger. You got one a those ration packs on you, Keemosabie, the ones with the vegetarian snacks and peanut butter ? Agent Orange Actually I do. Alien Well, hows about it, pard ? You savin’ it all fer yisself ? Agent Orange Wellll. You promise to be nice from now on ? No more suicide bombings, no more biological attacks ? Alien I swear on the head of Osama Been Satan, nevermore will I suicide
bomb or biologically attack. [sheepish] Unless - in the
course of human events - it becomes necessary - for one people
Agent Orange I understand. Well, what the Hell, I was saving it for you anyhow. Enjoy. Reaches into his shirt pocket and tosses him a yellow plastic packet of food. The alien attempts to tear it open, but cannot. Over and over he struggles to open the packet, but to no avail. What’s the matter ? Here, let me try. Agent Orange struggles with the packet, then turns it over and over, looking for something. Gotta be a tab here somewhere, something you can grab and pull. The Alien pulls out another knife and begins stabbing the packet. Nothing. That is one tough piece of plastic. Man, when it comes to packaging,
there is NOTHING like good old American know-how. [pause] Well
Throws the packet to the ground, pulls out an Uzi and machine guns it. The alien drops to the ground, frantically grabs at the fragments of food spilling out, and eats voraciously. Tears come to his eyes and he begins gasping for breath. My God ! You know, I think he’s starving. [pause] Which would explain the large head, skeletal torso and distended belly. To the alien : What planet was it you said you were from ? Alien Tralfamador ? Beta Cygni ? Alpha Centauri ? Ich vergessen. Scratching his oversized head. Agent Orange And where , exactly, is your space ship stored ? Alien Vellll, actually, we did not use a space ship. We did not need one. We hijacked one of yours. If you promise not to tell, I will take you there. They exit to stage right.
Scene 3
Alien headquarters - in a mountain cave. Board meeting. All are gathered around the same table as in Scene 1.
Alien Chief So far so good. Our enemies tremble before us. We have them exactly where we want them. By the way, have you managed to rustle up any grub ? I’m really starving. Alien Second-in-Command Well why shouldn’t they tremble ? God is on our side. And why shouldn’t he be ? We alone are pure of heart and mind. And why shouldn’t we be ? We alone know what’s best for everyone in the whole world. We alone know how to handle women. We alone know how to terrorize men. Why wouldn’t God be with us ? You know, I think you really are starving, mon general - you’re just skin and bones. All we have are those tiny food packets dropped in our territory by the Americans. Can I get you one ? Alien Chief What, those packages of stale rice ? And Peanut Butter ? With Jelly ? I’m not THAT hungry. [ pause ] On second thought, hand one over. You know, that peanut butter they’re dropping, it can be quite addictive.
Alien Bureau Chief Mmmmmm, yes. Crunchy ! Alien Chief You have the crunchy ? Trade you for two of the smooth and creamy, OK ?
Alien Bureau Chief Done ! They exchange packets.
Alien Chief Now. Down to business. It is rumored that an enemy agent lurks within our domain. Has anyone cast eyes upon this individual ? Does anyone have any information about him, what he looks like, where he might be located ? Alien Second-in-Command We know he has been highly trained, at their so-called “Center for Hearts and Minds.” And he has also been physically altered, with sophisticated cyber-bionic equipment, so that he is very strong. It is rumored that he can walk on water and fly through the air. Like Superman. Alien Chief Bizarre. Truly. [ pause ] But wait. I smell something. Makes sniffing noises . Fee. [ pause ] Fie. [ pause ] Foe. [ pause ] Fuuuuuuummmmm. I smell an alien presence in this room. Moves quickly around the room, sniffing each corner, each empty chair. Agent Orange Emerging from under the table. Very good, chief. I’m impressed. You sniffed me out. Alien Second in Command Caramba ! An American ! Seize him ! The alien Second in Command and Bureau Chief immediately run toward Agent Orange. As they approach him, however, their arms stiffen and press themselves straight against their sides. They begin walking in circles. Second in Command Something is very wrong. I cannot move my arms. They are immobile. Bureau Chief Mine likewise. Alien Chief Reaches for the pistol on the table. The pistol. Achhh du Lieber ! I cannot lift it. It is too heavy. Strains fruitlessly but cannot lift his weapon. Agent Orange Good evening, Gentlemen. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Allow me to introduce myself, I’m known as “Agent Orange.” I work for the United States Government and I’ve come here to spy on you. Any secrets you’d care to reveal ? Alien Second-in-Command You have some enormous nerve, Earth man. You think you can get away with this ? Appearing in the heart of our territory, surrounded by the fiercest warriors your world has ever known ? Actually, there are about five hundred of us, we are mostly starving and, though we crave human flesh, we have been surviving basically on the rations you yourself have airlifted into the area out of the goodness of your hearts. Alien Chief To second-in-command. I can’t believe you said that. You just gave away our most guarded secret. Second-in-Command He has some power over me. I cannot control what I do or say. Help me, master. Agent Orange Actually, where are you guys from ? We’ve been trying to track you for months, but nada. We’ve recently collated all our Hubble telescope data and none of it makes sense. From what godforsaken planet are you guys from ? Alien Chief Turning on Agent Orange. You ! Earth man ! Swine ! How dare you ! What do you want of us ? From what planet ? You want to know from what planet ? What is the planet you are from, eh, answer me that ? What planet is this, what kind planet are we standing on now, spawn of this evil planet, this planet known as : Dirt. Agent Orange Indignant. Actually, my good man, actually what we call this planet is, we call this planet : Earth. Earth. Alien Chief Earth. Dirt. What does it matter ? Reaches down and picks a handful of dirt from the ground. Lifts his hand and lets it pour out through his fingers. Agent Orange is upset. Second-in-Command We too, Senõr. We too are of this — Earth. Alien Chief Looks at him, shocked. Enough ! Control yourself, my friend. This information is not for the ears of this American dog. Agent Orange Astonished. B-but. You’re Space Aliens. Aliens from Outer Space. What about the Flying Saucers, the strange lights, the creatures with large heads and distended bellies, the skeletal, reptilian monsters ? Bureau Chief We are of the Earth. We are the Earth. We are Earth. Dirt. We are dirt. Second-in-Command Starved. We are the starved. Starved so much we cannot starve any more. So this is now the way we are. Look at us. Displays his emaciated rib cage. Bureau Chief Starved. Now and forever. Second-in-Command Your victims. Haunting you forever In this alien form.
Alien Chief But this is our home. It is you who are the aliens, not us. We were here first, then you came to live among us, so many thousands and thousands of years ago. From God only knows where. And then, little by little, displaced us, first by guile, then by force. But we have, all this time, haunted your dreams. Second-in-Command It suited you to turn us into all sorts of fantastic myths and legends, charming Elves or fairies with magic powers, or else fierce giants, breathing fire, bogey men, ogres, trolls. Now it’s “aliens - from outer space.” You call us “aliens.” But in reality we were here before you and you drove us out. We once roamed freely through the world, gentle, kind, good, and trusting. But you, you aliens , drove us out onto the margin, into the mountains, the caves, north to the freezing tundra, south to the tropical forests. And under the Earth itself. In the bowels of the Earth - in the dirt. Where, for centuries we struggled bitterly to eke out some sort of existence. Alien Chief To survive. We were forced underground. But now we have re-emerged into the light of your world. And now we like it here. We demand the right of return . Agent Orange Hidden for centuries ? Existing only on the margins, in the forests, the tundra, underground - and in our dreams ? But why didn’t you remain there - stay put ? What caused you, finally, after such a long time, to show yourselves ? Second-in-Command Forgive me, my Liege, I cannot help myself, I must respond. Alien Chief I warn you ! Do not speak of this ! It is very dangerous. Second-in-Command I’m sorry, there is a force at work in him which I cannot resist. I am compelled to speak the truth. To Agent Orange The Ancestors. It was the Ancestors who spoke to us of you, of what you were doing. You have disturbed their rest. They are displeased. Smoke begins to filter up from the ground. Agent Orange Coughing. Ancestors ? What are you talking about ? What Ancestors ? His coughing grows more violent. He is choking. What’s with all this smoke ? Where is it coming from ? Is there a fire ? I . . . can’t . . . breathe. He passes out. The Alien Chief gestures to the guards, who carry him offstage. Blackout.
Scene 4
An American Television Studio. The 6 O’Clock News Team begins its nightly broadcast. We hear typical “newscast” music, then the male anchor, looking alarmed, begins to speak. Male Anchor Wearing a T Shirt reading : THE SURGEON GENERAL HAS DETERMINED THAT THIS WARNING MAY BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH . Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is your Nine O’Clock News Bulletin, from the No Stone Unturned news team. According to the latest polls, 65% of Americans now believe that their community, their school, their workplace has been infiltrated by aliens. Government estimates confirm that, indeed, as has been feared, aliens are everywhere among us. Female Anchor Sitting directly beside the Male Anchor. Her T Shirt reads : FEAR YOUR FOOD. Yes, Gordon. And clearly, as with everything else, this absolutely must be understood, above all, as a health problem. As we speak, Counselors are fanning out into every Middlesex, village and farm. Male Anchor Absolutely, Emily. And what a great job those Counselors are doing. In related news, our reporters have learned of new, as yet unreported vulnerabilities in chemical and explosives plants throughout the nation.
Female Anchor Very true, Gordon. As several sources have confirmed, many chemical and explosives plants throughout the nation lack even the most rudimentary security. Doors are routinely left ajar, windows opened, security personnel are ill paid and notoriously unreliable. While it is believed no aliens are as yet aware such vulnerabilities exist, it is feared that once this information gets out, it could spell trouble. For details on all the many security weaknesses found by our sources, you can log on to our Web site at nostoneunturned dot com . Male Anchor And this just in from the Caucasus mountains. It is reported that extremely dangerous nuclear devices, abandoned by the Soviet army during the cold war era, are now believed to be scattered in an area of Georgia just north northeast of the capital city. These relatively small devices, nuclear powered batteries once used as power sources for spy satellites, are highly radioactive and could be used by the aliens to produce so-called “dirty bombs” of the sort which could spread radiation dangerous enough to imperil the population of an entire city. Some Georgian natives have already fallen ill with radiation poisoning due to inadvertent contact with these devices. According to a highly placed expert, however, it is extremely unlikely the aliens would be able to actually manufacture “dirty bombs” from these batteries, since prolonged contact would result in serious illness or death, a risk only a suicidal maniac would be willing to take.
Female Anchor And now, for the lighter side of the news, we take you to SmalltownUSA, Nebraska, where a short, funny looking kid of the sort we all teased as innocent teenagers, has just killed one hundred twenty five students and teachers, using, of all things, a World War II vintage Patton tank. Male Anchor Shaking his head and chuckling. Now where would a kid that age find a weapon like that, Emily ? Female Anchor Well he claims he found it on the Internet, Gordon. What will kids think of next ? Both shake their heads and chuckle. Male Anchor That’s it for now. Be sure to watch the news at eleven, when we’ll be interviewing Stuart Helpself, author of the bestselling book, Why Bad Things Happen to Perfectly Wonderful, Totally Innocent People Like Ourselves. Blackout.
Scene 5
New York City, somewhere under the Brooklyn Bridge - an encampment of street people.
Agent Mauve Dressed in an oversize trench coat, walking briskly among various makeshift tents, sleeping bags, blankets, etc. Finding a particular blanket, she prods it, then lifts it up, revealing a very disheveled and sleepy man in his late fifties, known to her as The Professor. Professor. Professor. I knew I’d find you here. Wake up. Professor It’s OK it’s OK. Where was I ? Last week we covered Chapter 4 . . . How may I help you ? Got any spare change ? Uh . . . I wasn’t asleep. I was just . . . thinking. Uhhhh . . . Do I know you lady ? Agent Mauve It’s me, professor. Jenny. Jenny Kirkbride ? You were my thesis advisor ? “The Paleo Siberian Shaman’s Drum : Echo of a Distant Signifier” ? Professor Uh, let me think. That does ring a bell. An echo. Echo of a distant . . . Why, yes, of course. Jennifer ! What brings you here ? Agent Mauve Well, I am presently faced with a bit of a dilemma. And it falls clearly within your area of expertise. And besides — you’re the smartest person I know. Professor Even smarter than your pal, Westbrook ? Agent Mauve Funny you should ask. He and I are working together. Employed by the . . . . government. Professor The two of you still together ? You’re spies ? Cool ! Agent Mauve Wellll, in a manner of speaking. I suppose. Look whatever I tell you now, it’s got to be strictly entre nous , OK ? It’s really what you could call “Top Secret,” you understand. I shouldn’t be discussing it with you at all, but . . . but I just don’t know where else to turn. Professor Sure, Jenny, sure. Now calm down, you’re white as a sheet. You’re trembling. Agent Mauve He’s in some really serious difficulty, Professor. I’m worried sick. He was in enemy territory, we had him wired with a transmission device. And we picked up some information we find it difficult to comprehend. Professor Getting excited. The aliens ? He was spying on the aliens. You remembered my theory !
Agent Mauve Yes. He infiltrated an alien encampment in the Steppes of Central Asia. The leader said something extraordinarily odd. Pulls a notebook from her purse and reads : “It is you who are the aliens, not us. We were here first, then you came to live among us, so many thousands and thousands of years ago. From God only knows where. And then, little by little, displaced us, first by guile, then by force. But we have, all this time, haunted your dreams.” Professor Takes the notebook. Let me look. [ reads :] “You turned us into all sorts of fantastic myths . . . bogey men, ogres, trolls. . . you drove us out onto the margin, into the mountains . . . and under the Earth itself.” Looking up. But. This is fantastic. Excited. Rubbing his hands together. You remembered my theory. Agent Mauve You’ve never written it up. I only remembered certain basic concepts. I wasn’t sure. Professor “Guilt Projection.” The theory of “guilt projection.” Of all my many crank theories, my very, all-time, favorite. I love that theory, Jenny.
Agent Mauve Guilt Projection. Yes. So space aliens are actually . . . Professor Projections. From the imaginary. Space aliens are a projection of our feelings of guilt toward those other aliens we don’t want to think about : the starving peoples of the third world. Agent Mauve So the space aliens appear to us as . . . Professor Starving children. Or don’t you recognize the symptoms of severe malnutrition : enlarged heads, distended bellies, pencil thin necks and limbs, big watery eyes. The aliens are starving children, Jennifer. Either that, or menacing, skeletal adults . . . A street person, who has all this time been buried under several layers of blanket, sticks his dirt streaked head out and speaks - with considerable indignation. Street Person Now that has got to be the dumbest piece of bull SHIT I have ever heard in all my life. Those aliens are NOT a figment of our imagination. They are REAL. Agent Mauve Well, perhaps not real in the ordinary sense of “real,” not situated within anything that could be considered “literally” real. But, perhaps, wouldn’t you say, Professor, as representing what Lacan has called “the real” ? Professor Exactly. Not real . But “ the real.” Realer than real. Lacan’s “object petite ’a’” — the uncanny . Street Person Forgive me my dear Lord, I’m embarrassed to actually be in the proximity of such absurdly pretentious bull SHIT. Professor Forgive his language, Jennifer. He’s bitter. Uh, allow me to introduce you. This is Daryl Burnside, formerly of Enrot — you know, the energy trading company that went bankrupt due to massive fraud. Actually Daryl was one of the big shots there. What did you make, Daryl, was it twenty five million that last year ? Street Person I was chief executive financial officer and vice-president in charge of manipulating our markets overseas. We had a great thing going there, no question, that’s for sure. And it was actually thirty five million, four hundred thirty seven thousand and change. If you must know. Professor Just in case you’re wondering, that’s all gone now, mostly to his lawyers, the rest to his ex-wife - and her boy friend. Earl.
Street Person You know something ? I’m better off without all that. Yup. Never felt better — these last few months have been the most meaningful experience of my life. Shit. Agent Mauve I’m pleased to make your acquaintance, sir. I’m sure with a background like yours, you’ll soon find yourself another position in another company just like Enrot. Pause. Turning to the professor. There’s more, professor. He said something about ghosts. The ghosts of the “Ancestors.” That’s the strangest part.
Professor Ancestors ? Who said ? What did he say ? Agent Mauve The alien leader. I have it right here. Consults her notes. “The Ancestors. It was the Ancestors who spoke to us of you, of what you were doing. You have disturbed their rest. They are displeased.” And then . . . and then, something happened. He noticed some smoke and it was choking him. Now this is a person who has been totally transformed, physically, spiritually and bionically. He can literally survive under water, by what means I have no idea. Yet a bit of smoke and he’s choking, passing out. That was when we lost contact. Professor, I have no idea what’s happened to him, we’ve heard nothing in weeks. I’m almost petrified with fear. Who are the Ancestors ? What sort of power do they have over him ? Suddenly a loud explosion is heard. Then another. Smoke billows down from above. The Professor Oh my God. The bridge. Someone’s set bombs off on the Bridge. Brooklyn Bridge is falling down. My fair lady : run like Hell. Exeunt . |
L’étranger
 L'étranger est paru. Voir sommaire dans le nº22 de la RAL,M. |
to mix - a little anthrax - in some powder - and mail
it - to some other people.